Theres something tedious about musical recitals. Last night my daughter-in-law said that she hates them. I think that anyone with or without a good ear can learn to hate them. My daughter-in-law has a very good musical ear so she hates them Double Dutch.Besides, her family of 15 performs around Southern Idaho. All the kids but the three youngest take music. That leaves her with 10 kids who are taking music lessons on one or more instruments. You can see why she is tired of recitals.

I took my thirteen Idaho grandkids and five adults to the Golden Coral Restaurant last night. Tuesday night is Family Night and you can feed a child for $1.99! My total bill was about $100 plus a $30 tip for the poor soul who had to service us.

Cheap!

After we slopped the kids we went to a musical recital.

Watching for migrating polar bears looking for warmer weather, we slid into the parking lot of the musical store that was hosting the recital.

Authors note: Despite what the Coke ads say, Polar Bears and Penguins dont live together. Polar bears=Arctic, Penguins=Antarctic. Coke is messing with your childrens brains.

No polar bears have been sited in Idaho this winter. If this cold spell continues, it is only a matter of time.

Recitals never start on time. Ours not only didnt start on time, extra numbers were inserted. Since extra Christmas music was added, the students were allowed to use sheet music for those numbers.

Unfortunately, the students are not able to sight read at this early stage of development. Only the teachers can sight read music. Thats because all of those blasted little black marks are too small to read, there are too many of them, and you have to know what they mean.

Ive always though there is a God because some people can read sheet music. First the brain has to say, What is that? Oh! Its a note! What does the note mean? Oh! Its a C. Lets see, Every good boy does fine. Now to find that on the keyboard, flute hole, fiddle string, etc. Oh! Here it is. Now Ill give it a stroke, a tap, a flick and out will come a C. All this thinking has to be done ahead of time.

Its the reverse of Morse code. In Morse code coming in at 20 words-per-minute you listen to the code, decide what letter it is, and write or type the letter down. By the time you get to recording the letter, five other letters have come in and are being interpreted. Only the gifted can read more than 10 words-per-minute. Thats why they removed the code from Amateur Radio Operator exams.

See! There is a God!

You can say, God, here in Idaho. You also can still say, Christmas, except at the atheistic Wal-Mart stores. Anyway, I have a boycott there. They make really old people work.

Oh, yes! Music!

A recital is a torture chamber for the students and their relatives. Nobody else ever comes unless its another music teacher who has nothing to do.

The teachers claim that the purpose of a recital is to give the students experience in playing in public.

Well, most of the students dont want to play in public, will never ever be asked to play in public, or will be shot if they actually play in public (but not by their families who seldom shoot their own kids).

The rule of the recital is the worst first, the best last. Sometimes you can actually tell the difference. The last performers tend to be older teens that have had more than three lessons.

I might mention here that a dance recital is to be avoided at all cost.

In the Revolutionary War you could pay someone to serve for you. Give a few bucks to a vagrant on the street and have him attend the dance recital for you. He will want to get out of the cold to take a snooze. Of course he wont be able to sleep, but dont tell him that. Its all that tapping, tapping, tapping that will not only keep him awake but drive him bonkers.

The vagrant will be able to do something that you can't do. He can flee!

Dont try to hire a panhandler to be your substitute. They go to school to learn how to make their 500 bucks per day. They will just shrug you off. Some will say, Are you kidding? A dance recital!

When a music student makes a mistake in the first stanza you know that things will get worse. One trick is to claim that you have an ear infection (common here in Idaho with the polar bears and all). Stuff your ears with cotton.

It does help.

My wife uses those ear plugs she wears while swimming her 70 laps everyday.

A bad pianist, horn blower, violinist, guitar player, and especially a drummer, will make you say to yourself, Will this blasted piece ever end? Thats the time to brace your self for more horror.

Recitals just never end!

Eventually the recital will reach the point where your little darling is playing.

If she does poorly, you can slide under your chair by slowly sliding forward on your seat until your butt drops to the floor. Then grab your knees and pull them up to your chin, keeping your head down. Slide back up and clap and clap and clap when your little darling had played the last sour note.

Dont forget to tell your little darling how well she did on her solo.

If things go well for your little darling, you can sit up straight in your chair and point to your chest. Mimic the words Shes mine! Shes mine!

The kids usually get a snack at the end of a recital. The kids got a cookie last night.

Adults sometimes (but not last night) get a drink of punch and a cookie. You always want to be first in line for that.

That is the only good thing that can happen to you at a recital.