My sincere apology goes out to all the intelligent women in this world for what I'm about to say, but my problem is that I've been completely unable to find you. Where are you'? After many years of trying every idea in my extremely creative repertoire, I've failed to find even one truly intelligent woman. Now I can't stand hip hop music (gansta garbage) but my experience with women over the last 10 years has gradually forced me to agree with the writers that bitch is a fairly appropriate term for modern day women. Case in point: Mona. The word pampering comes from the women themselves. It's what they say they want. It's their concept of being treated well and the proof is in the countless number of businesses that have flourished by catering to their slavish desires. There must be at least 2 or 3 nail salons on every busy block of every town and city in the United States. 50 years ago, there wasn't a woman alive who would even consider having her toenails cut by another woman in full view of the public where she can be seen through the store front window.

Here's a quote from the Oprah Magazine: "Could you use a little pampering this holiday season? Behold a harvest of luxurious beauty treats." Yecccch! And then "When was your last long soak in the tub? And just how old is that loofah in your shower?" I don't even want to think about that because I buy a new loofah every week, don't I? For the past four years in St. Louis, the Women's Support and Community Services Program has hosted a monthly Day of Pampering that has been extremely successful because women are able to get massages, pedicures, and facials from other women who donate their time and skills to help them feel pampered. It's a cabal. If I never hear the words "girls night out" again it will be too soon for me! And from the United Kingdom comes this hot press release entitled Women Pamper Themselves: "Sales of bubble bath, face masks, massage oils and other female pampering products have more than trebled, suggesting that women in the UK are more concerned with making themselves feel loved and pampered than relying on the men in their lives. This steep rise in sales of indulgent beauty treats highlights the trend that women are ditching their men for their girlfriends!" Now what are all the sincere and desperate men supposed to do about a thing like that?

There's a big difference between intelligence and wisdom. I don't expect to find more than a handful of people in this world who possess true wisdom so I was nauseated to discover an organization called the Women of Wisdom Foundation who have a Sacred Pampering Day for Women, and I quote: "Women enter a healing temple and can sample a diverse selection of products and services from a variety of experts in the art of pampering women." I can imagine Mother Mary up there somewhere being stunned by this spectacle of desecration in a thing somebody has the nerve to call a temple!

Here's another press release from Naperville, Illinois, entitled Spa Girl Parties, Inc. - Pampering Women Across the Country 100 Times Over: "Welcome to the fabulously fun and pampered world of Spa Girl Parties where we cater to your need for pampering and your appetite to shop till you drop." Need I say more? Is anybody gagging with a spoon yet? Next, a hot wire flashes from the Columbia University News Service: "Wilderness adventures now come with up-scale pampering. Your wilderness experience includes soft beds, fancy food and relaxation. This years menu includes a cheese and fruit tray, artichokes, chips with Mexican dip and salsa for appetizers; a mixed grill of pork tenderloin and duck, halibut and filet mignon for the main course; and apple pie, cobbler or tiramisu for dessert - all cooked in Dutch ovens." Quite obviously, camping will never be the same. Modern day women have brought an entirely new meaning to the concept of "roughing it".

And finally, what about waxing? Good Lord, even a queen bee doesn't want to be waxed. This mysterious modern phenomenon is purported to be "the best way to get a smooth and shiny look around the bikini line. It removes everything in your nether regions, leaving you completely smooth everywhere under your underwear and you'll never have to worry about escaping tendrils again." Oh, I'm SO glad to hear that because those escaping tendrils had completely escaped my notice. And I notice everything when I'm down there! As a person who is inclined to notice things, it does not escape my superior power of observation that this entire article could easily be classified as a rant. However, even though the concept of men's rights has been whittled down to a short paragraph, it still includes the right to complain.